Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s day is an aristocratic, authoritative holiday designed by imbeciles in stained white stockings with a hole in the knee.

This hole in the knee represents the hole in their hearts that they attempt to fill with a meaningless, corporation driven holiday every February that includes spending ridiculous amounts of money at Jared’s, just to come home and present an incorrectly sized ring to your gold digger ex wife who for some reason still lives with you.  You walk into the living room of your 5 bedroom, rundown apartment to find her having sex with a man who looks suspiciously like Darth Vader without his helmet on.  You proceed to question her as to why she would ever betray you in such a way, in your own football ridden sanctuary, no less.  She reminds you that the two of you are divorced, so technically she wasn’t betraying anyone.  You shrug, punch the man in his wrinkly face, and proceed to take you and your incorrectly sized ring elsewhere.  You end up on the streets of Baltimore, late at night, being propositioned by a lady of the night.  You stare at the woman for a moment, shove the ring box into her well manicured hand, and hightail it to a dive bar.  You then get drunk off of tequila and eat about ten individual lime slices before you pass out in the corner, your foot dangerously close to a puddle that glints – suspiciously – yellow in the lighting.


Fascinating Bones

What is it about dinosaurs that kids love so much, anyway?  Is it the way the colors?  The dinosaur movies and Dragon Tales?  The masculinity associated with the big dumpster trucks and strong scary t-rexs?  But then girls like dinos, too.  Is it the mystery of life long ago, and the strange creatures that just capture the imagination?

Follow your dreams is such an overused cliche.

Why do people like crime shows?  They can be so bloody and gory, like Bones.  Is it the mystery of trying to find out “whodunnit”?  Is it the nice idea that the bad guys are always caught that attracts us?

Two slices of bread lightly toasted cut across the middle so that four triangles are formed, spread with peanut butter and melted in the microwave for ten seconds, with a glass of milk and Oreos = best. invention. ever. Well, besides indoor plumbing.  And cars.  And the radio.  And…. um… I’ll just stop.  It’s still pretty awesome, though.

Otters are cute.

Rain boots are so multipurpose, you can wear them in any weather, use them as a vase for your flowers, use them as a pot for your flowers, store office supplies in them (though admittedly retrieving the office supplies that get pushed into the toes isn’t the easiest task), write phone messages on them with a sharpie (though don’t let random strangers write down long lost Aunt Susie’s phone number when you dig the stapler out of your boot, put it in your sneaker, and trudge past in the phone-book-boots through the rain),  even eat soup out of them.  (Warning: the sanitary conditions of said rain boots are questionable.  Eating soup out of them may result in the spread of viruses, or at least finding stray bits of corn in between your toes from last night’s dinner.)

What is the difference between TiVo and DVR?

At the end of YouTube videos, why do people say “I love you guys, bye!” and wave?  I don’t know you!  You can’t love me, because I DON’T KNOW YOU!

My post by e-mail worked!  Oh yeah! I don’t know why I’m so excited about that.

This was on the headboard when I stayed at a hotel.

This was in a nice, respected hotel, like a Hilton or Hampton or something.  I had clean sheets!  I felt like royalty.

Insomnia 3

Inspiration comes from amround you but really it all comes from your brain because your brain processes all that stuff thart you see and hear and smelland other varieties of experience and i should really just close my eyes and count sheep but poetry or whatwver this is its decidedly officially legally more entertaining well not legally i think that was a hyberbole but what do i know that could be some crazly law they dont enforce like in florida dont chain your pet alligayor to a fire hydrant or in california it isnt accrptable to hold a giraffe hostage by tying it to a telephone well ok the florida thing i domt know about and the giraffe thing i made up to getsome laughsbut admit it you giggles or hahawed or heehee or hoho or however you laugh and if you laugh like hoho than hi santa how are the polar bears and are they still drinking all the coke?

Fireworks Photos

So sorry that this is so late.  I just wanted to be nice and stretch you guys’ Independence Day out for… 14 days?  Yeah.

Computer: That’s just Bob’s way of saying he’s been too lazy to upload these photos until now.

Me: Hey! Shut up!

Computer: Technically, I’m not talking.

Me: . . .

Computer: Ah, bliss.

Me: . . . 😡

Computer:  Is that a mad face?  Did Bob figure out how to use emoticons?  Aw, lil’ martian is all grown up.

Me:  I’m going to turn you off now.

Computer:  Then you won’t be able to post this.

Me:  I hate it when you’re right.  I really do.

My Epiphany Concerning US Politics

I had a bit of a conspiracy theorist moment while watching some news program or other and realized that maybe all the stupid things politicians say is planned out before hand.  (It must be true because as I was typing up this on my cellular device the page crashed right as I was about to hit “publish” – the government is watching… *glances around furtively*)  They purposefully say idiotic things so that us lowly citizens, who are too slow to realize what is really going on, complain about how moronic our representatives/leaders/politicians are becoming.  Meanwhile, they lounge about, sipping cocktails, cackling about what idiots we are and plotting how to put something even funnier into our water system than what is already in there, so that they can then press the big red easy button and activate the microchips in the water to immediately create a mind-controlled army.  They will use this army, of course, to take over the world’s black market of maraschino cherries because they ran out and are currently being forced to use regular cherries in their alcoholic beverages which is, frankly, Just. Wrong.

Did I mention that Staples doesn’t have to pay taxes anymore because they provided the easy button?

Are you all shaking your heads in pity at me because you guys already knew this and I am the last to realize?

….featured image courtesy of Wikipedia:….